Maybe I’ll rename my blog “the expeditions of a 20 year old retiree”.  Do they refer to the senior years as the sunset years or the golden years? I think of both, maybe because sunset reminds me of the end, and golden reminds me of ‘the golden girls’.  Basically I spend my days filling them with nothing.  Yesterday I baked.  Today I sewed a skirt. Tomorrow I will sew another skirt, and maybe start a dress that I really want to make. Tuesday a facial. Some golf and watercoloring. and a lot of waiting.  I’m pretty sure I’ve rattled on about the irritating insolability that consumes a life consisting soley of waiting, that or I’m sure you’ve read waiting for Godot.  Which i guess means I should stop waiting and get to making my own life moving.

I won’t lie, I just had a little mini self revelation right there.  God I’m ridiculous.

On a completely separate note, things have fallen into dangerously bad  territory with my once room mate and friend.  bad territory as in our friendship has become non existant.  She hasnt called me or attempted to bond with me since we returned to Los Angeles and I know that she will soon be back in San Francisco.  This means almost definetly that our friendship is doomed.  I don’t know what is going on with her.  I have recieved complaints from other people about her behavior. that shes forceful, loud, obnoxious, always stoned, always overly opinionated. shes just an overwhelming person in a not so good way I guess.  I dont know. I left her this really bizarre message when she didnt call me back agian today. Passive aggressive for sure.

but I guess, thats just me.

Fucking Whitney Houston

“All of my dreams are a heart beat away”  fucking Whitney Houston. Does quoting whitney make me un-hip?

I’m sitting in my room, nikes that my brother tells me make me look like a chola yet i constantly get compliments on still onwhile sitting in bed.  I feel that i should be able to write some poignant bull shit that inspires myself, makes sense to others, and well makes me look cool.  Instead I really dont have much to say at all. this is my life: I’m waiting. I’m waiting to see if i get into law school, waiting for friends, waiting for the man i love to want me back.  To be honest I’m terribly heart broken, still.  I’m paralyzed and stuck.  And whats worse is that I dont have any friends to get me through it.  Ive broght myself to a place in which ive completely isolated myself.  I know exactly what I want in life, what i’m dreaming of. And to be honest I’ve done everything to get me there, I didnt let the ball drop.  But I dont think any of those dreams are going to come true. my heart beats a million times dub lub dub lub. and every time I hope that something great is going to happen. and it doesnt. as i feel my little chambers in my poor heart collapse i know so to are my dreams.  DUB-law school-LUB-Rejections DUB-love-Lub-Nothing. dub lub dub lub dub lub dub lub. it seems that everytime a minute goes by, everytime my heart beats, it dies a little more.  isnt that cute? with every beat my heart dies.  I dont know how to shake myself out of this. i sound pathetic and self surveying in my own pity.  i feel like a completely ass.

I wish i was more. i wish i was cooler but it seems that every time i try i die more and more inside.  the loneliest ive ever been was on new years eve 2oo8. I was standing on the dance floor of teddys, 5,4,3,2,1- it was the new year. everyone screamed and cheered. so did i. everyone turned to someone and hugged, kissed, laughed.  i looked around and i was completely alone. i had to work so hard not to cry. it my expensive shoes, tired dress, and falsely straightened hair i was wanting so bad to belong and i dont.

i dont want to be this girl, but it seems that this is who i am. the girl with no friends, the girl who stands alone. the girl who must do it alone.

fucking whitney houston.  no matter what all the songs in the world say- sometimes there are people who are just meant to be alone.

what do you do

what do you do when being friends isnt enough, but you dont want it to end.  what do you do when he tells you he doesnt want to let you go but that he cant be more then just friends?

where can i sign up for a sleep chamber? i want to sleep away the net few month and wake up, thinner, and with the fantastic life i had.

but really> what do you do?

This isnt really a blog

Who am I kidding? Its an electronic hello kitty covered diary.  I might as well begin each entry with “dear diary”, its that predictable.  Reminder: but hello kitty diary.

I missed him so much today.  Remembering the good makes it worse.  it makes you think that there is something worth saving, and giving up is letting that hope die.  I was a ticket into a different life style for him.  My entire life my basic needs have  been met so my physcological needs are taking over- my idea of the good life doesnt include material things, but deeper emotional developments.  he on the other hand, has never know financial stability, hes only seen his parents struggling to make ends meet.  He cant process the emotional becuase he is always chasing the money stability.  then in esscense, as perfect as i thought we were for each other, are we too different fundementally? has our nuture and environment really changed the nature of who we are?

I dont have any answer or quaint story to sum this up. I’m not as naturally talented as I thought.  these words just stream from my mind like self rightious desperate to be noticed sentances, iratically, and unconsequncly strung together.  I’m haunted by this image of him- when he looks the best. he looks amazing, he was working out and looked so gorgous. he looked happy.  when did i lose that? when did i push to far? when did he give up?

im obsessing.  there is no point to this, is just the mindless rantings of a broken heart afraid of tomorrow.

Will there be a song about me? If there is a song about me does that mean things will change? Does he really just need to grow up or was it an excuse to linger in his own stagnatant universe.

MOVE ON Stephanie. free yourself from this dead beat. he has nothing to offer you and will never be strong. i will find someone who makes me feel loved like that but pushes me beyond that. i want to fall in love so badly it consumes my body.

when did he figure out that this wasn’t it? when did he know?

do not call him tonight. do not call him tonight. please. please.

Moving

Friday, I will lock the door of 885 Waller for the last time.  Thats right, I’m leaving behind what might be the best apartment ever.  I was taking a shower this morning in the little tub with the lion feet stand and as I was shampooing I just started laughing uncontrollably.  All of a sudden I was remembering all the good times I’ve had in my first home.  Just in that shower.  Memories I will never be able to relive.

I think that I spent one of the happiest years of my life in this apartment and I’m walking away into the complete unknown.  Leaving this apartment marks the end of so much for me: of college, of San Francisco, of Him and our memories of perfect weekends here, of 2007, of everything that I knew and was.

But i think i cant look at it as what i’m leaving behind.  I have to look at it as appreciating what i had here.  how many people had such an amazing year as i did.  And sure i’m leaving a lot behind, I dont have as clean cut things to look forward to- to come home for- but i have to stay moving

its just hard to know whats the right move.  but nothings permanent and who knows where i will be next year. i can come back, i can keep moving.  Just becuase you are happy one time in one place with one person doesnt mean thats the only place you can be happy. life keeps moving and you have to let your heart grow with it

the first

It’s Monday at 1:12 p.m.  and I have nothing to do.  I’ve been watching intervention– an A&E t.v. show about drug addicts whos families plan well, inteventions– on the couch which coincidentally is where i fell asleep.

I have nothing to do because on Friday December 14, 2007 at 12:30 I graduated from the University of San Francisco.  I’m 20 years old. Everyone keeps sending me there best wishes and congratulations, I guess graduating college in 2 1/2 years is an accomplishment.  I feel like I should be proud.  But I dont know, I dont know what’s next.  Law School? a job? a career?   Am I just another 20-something year old who graduates and is stuck?

I recently told an ex-boyfriend (read as: ex-soul mate) that He couldnt call me becuase when he calls me, when he texts me, when I hear his voice–I get stuck. Stuck in his crazy world, stuck in the feelings that cant exist, and worst of all the relationship that doesn’t exist.  But all I want right now is to call him, to make him laugh and to laugh.  When do you really walk away? When is there really no more chances? I’m planning a  holiday christmas dinner on the 22nd for people that I know.  They are my friends but I don’t know why.  I figure it’s healthy for me to plan social events without him, last year I did it to show off for him, how perfect his girlfriend was.  He came 30 min late and was probably the first to leave.  This year I’m doing it to show off how much he fucked up.  but, in a moment of weakness I checked his, please forgive this embarrassing phrase that is to follow, bands myspace.  The band has a show on the 22nd, with new music. Music that was supposed to be about me, but it isn’t really.  Here I am planning a life with out him, in spite of him, and instead of pining away and hurting his life is going on without me.  I can’t think of anything that hurts so much.  It really isn’t fair.  Being dumped is a two way street of pain, to sound lame and cliche at the same time.  It hurts to walk away and it hurts to stay in love.  I saw this girl last night her boyfriend dumped her becuase she ‘didnt make him happy’ and now they are fucking.  They look like they are back together but everyone says it is doomed. I’d give anything to have him again, to need me like that.  But i know that a false relationship like that will never make me happy.  and yet all I see around me are uninteresting people.

where has anyone of substance gone?

most people write blogs about what they do, to high light how cool they are, that they are the next big thing.  I just created a blog to make up for the void of friends and next big things in my life.

but hey, here’s looking at you kid.

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