the first

It’s Monday at 1:12 p.m.  and I have nothing to do.  I’ve been watching intervention– an A&E t.v. show about drug addicts whos families plan well, inteventions– on the couch which coincidentally is where i fell asleep.

I have nothing to do because on Friday December 14, 2007 at 12:30 I graduated from the University of San Francisco.  I’m 20 years old. Everyone keeps sending me there best wishes and congratulations, I guess graduating college in 2 1/2 years is an accomplishment.  I feel like I should be proud.  But I dont know, I dont know what’s next.  Law School? a job? a career?   Am I just another 20-something year old who graduates and is stuck?

I recently told an ex-boyfriend (read as: ex-soul mate) that He couldnt call me becuase when he calls me, when he texts me, when I hear his voice–I get stuck. Stuck in his crazy world, stuck in the feelings that cant exist, and worst of all the relationship that doesn’t exist.  But all I want right now is to call him, to make him laugh and to laugh.  When do you really walk away? When is there really no more chances? I’m planning a  holiday christmas dinner on the 22nd for people that I know.  They are my friends but I don’t know why.  I figure it’s healthy for me to plan social events without him, last year I did it to show off for him, how perfect his girlfriend was.  He came 30 min late and was probably the first to leave.  This year I’m doing it to show off how much he fucked up.  but, in a moment of weakness I checked his, please forgive this embarrassing phrase that is to follow, bands myspace.  The band has a show on the 22nd, with new music. Music that was supposed to be about me, but it isn’t really.  Here I am planning a life with out him, in spite of him, and instead of pining away and hurting his life is going on without me.  I can’t think of anything that hurts so much.  It really isn’t fair.  Being dumped is a two way street of pain, to sound lame and cliche at the same time.  It hurts to walk away and it hurts to stay in love.  I saw this girl last night her boyfriend dumped her becuase she ‘didnt make him happy’ and now they are fucking.  They look like they are back together but everyone says it is doomed. I’d give anything to have him again, to need me like that.  But i know that a false relationship like that will never make me happy.  and yet all I see around me are uninteresting people.

where has anyone of substance gone?

most people write blogs about what they do, to high light how cool they are, that they are the next big thing.  I just created a blog to make up for the void of friends and next big things in my life.

but hey, here’s looking at you kid.