This isnt really a blog

Who am I kidding? Its an electronic hello kitty covered diary.  I might as well begin each entry with “dear diary”, its that predictable.  Reminder: but hello kitty diary.

I missed him so much today.  Remembering the good makes it worse.  it makes you think that there is something worth saving, and giving up is letting that hope die.  I was a ticket into a different life style for him.  My entire life my basic needs have  been met so my physcological needs are taking over- my idea of the good life doesnt include material things, but deeper emotional developments.  he on the other hand, has never know financial stability, hes only seen his parents struggling to make ends meet.  He cant process the emotional becuase he is always chasing the money stability.  then in esscense, as perfect as i thought we were for each other, are we too different fundementally? has our nuture and environment really changed the nature of who we are?

I dont have any answer or quaint story to sum this up. I’m not as naturally talented as I thought.  these words just stream from my mind like self rightious desperate to be noticed sentances, iratically, and unconsequncly strung together.  I’m haunted by this image of him- when he looks the best. he looks amazing, he was working out and looked so gorgous. he looked happy.  when did i lose that? when did i push to far? when did he give up?

im obsessing.  there is no point to this, is just the mindless rantings of a broken heart afraid of tomorrow.

Will there be a song about me? If there is a song about me does that mean things will change? Does he really just need to grow up or was it an excuse to linger in his own stagnatant universe.

MOVE ON Stephanie. free yourself from this dead beat. he has nothing to offer you and will never be strong. i will find someone who makes me feel loved like that but pushes me beyond that. i want to fall in love so badly it consumes my body.

when did he figure out that this wasn’t it? when did he know?

do not call him tonight. do not call him tonight. please. please.