Fucking Whitney Houston

“All of my dreams are a heart beat away”  fucking Whitney Houston. Does quoting whitney make me un-hip?

I’m sitting in my room, nikes that my brother tells me make me look like a chola yet i constantly get compliments on still onwhile sitting in bed.  I feel that i should be able to write some poignant bull shit that inspires myself, makes sense to others, and well makes me look cool.  Instead I really dont have much to say at all. this is my life: I’m waiting. I’m waiting to see if i get into law school, waiting for friends, waiting for the man i love to want me back.  To be honest I’m terribly heart broken, still.  I’m paralyzed and stuck.  And whats worse is that I dont have any friends to get me through it.  Ive broght myself to a place in which ive completely isolated myself.  I know exactly what I want in life, what i’m dreaming of. And to be honest I’ve done everything to get me there, I didnt let the ball drop.  But I dont think any of those dreams are going to come true. my heart beats a million times dub lub dub lub. and every time I hope that something great is going to happen. and it doesnt. as i feel my little chambers in my poor heart collapse i know so to are my dreams.  DUB-law school-LUB-Rejections DUB-love-Lub-Nothing. dub lub dub lub dub lub dub lub. it seems that everytime a minute goes by, everytime my heart beats, it dies a little more.  isnt that cute? with every beat my heart dies.  I dont know how to shake myself out of this. i sound pathetic and self surveying in my own pity.  i feel like a completely ass.

I wish i was more. i wish i was cooler but it seems that every time i try i die more and more inside.  the loneliest ive ever been was on new years eve 2oo8. I was standing on the dance floor of teddys, 5,4,3,2,1- it was the new year. everyone screamed and cheered. so did i. everyone turned to someone and hugged, kissed, laughed.  i looked around and i was completely alone. i had to work so hard not to cry. it my expensive shoes, tired dress, and falsely straightened hair i was wanting so bad to belong and i dont.

i dont want to be this girl, but it seems that this is who i am. the girl with no friends, the girl who stands alone. the girl who must do it alone.

fucking whitney houston.  no matter what all the songs in the world say- sometimes there are people who are just meant to be alone.